He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
