I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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