I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
