Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
