Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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