We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
