Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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