I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
