I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
