I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
