I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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