i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
