You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
