his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
