Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I believe in your delicious
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
