so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
