It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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