Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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