he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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