Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
