You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
