Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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