I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just high enough for therapy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
