My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
