It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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