Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
