I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
