It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need to calm my uterus...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
