I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
