I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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