So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
