I queefed so loud it echoed.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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