First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
