i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
