That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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