got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
