Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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