i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
