I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm always down for nudity.
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