She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
