We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
