Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
