i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
