don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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