Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
