I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
