i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
