I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
