there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
