i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
