I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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