Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
