Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
