oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
