I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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