now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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