I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
