i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
