So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
