I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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